Perhaps your mother suffered from a miscarriage when you were still a toddler yourself, and there you began taking on the task of making her happy. Perhaps you had an alcoholic parent and realized before it was even a logical thought that you were more responsible, and there you began feeling you needed to be the adult.
Perhaps you grew up in a home with domestic abuse, and there you began to diffuse and distract the dynamic escalation of those events. Worse still, if you had a martyr parent, then anything you did for yourself was viewed as wounding and so you were left with guilt at any attempt to become independent.
First, regarding the martyr parent above, give yourself a break if you feel you didn't succeed because it was an impossible task. That kind of person will always hop across another fence to put you in the wrong. Know that 17% of people have a narcissistic personality disorder, and there is no way you can fill the abyss of that kind of emotional deficit. In fact, more than a small dose of love is intolerable to a narcissist -- love feels like poison to a toxic person. (Christiane Northrup, M.D)
Second, consider the price you may have paid was a shutting down of taking of yourself. A child who takes on the role of care-giving for a parent largely abandons their own emotional needs. Even if the other parent did as much as possible for you, to some degree there may be a wall around your heart today from not having the emotional freedom that would have been more natural with two emotionally healthy parents. You may not even realize such a wall is there, limiting your ability to engage with others – in my case, I only began to truly see mine after several years of personal work.
In the greater picture, I encourage you to also realize that while you may not have received the love you wanted, you likely received the love you needed to develop the strengths you have today.
Opening a heart wall is frightening because of the vulnerability it brings, but when you're ready it promotes more authenticity, self-acceptance, and emotional resilience. It is important to remember that each of is a work in progress and we don't have to do it all at once.
Joanne
Joanne Gartner, PhD
480.370.6345
(c) 2018 Soul Liberations LLC
